After completely falling out of love with my blog I’m here with my tail between my legs, saying sorry, desperately trying to rekindle our romance. At this stage I really don’t know if the blog will forgive me and take me back but maybe if I prove how much I regret leaving, it can all work out.
So life has changed somewhat since I last meaningfully wrote anything. I’m now a single mama. As seems to be a theme in my life (probably all of our lives), it’s not what I planned, it’s not what I envisaged, but here I am. And actually, it’s ok. Maybe in the future I’ll write more about my marriage and marriage breakup but for now it’s all still a bit fresh and raw.
Having the kids has definitely helped me get through though. They don’t give me a minute to wallow. All wallowing must be done when they’ve gone to bed and frankly, by that time, I’m too tired for a pity party. The kids, my mum and my sister have been the MVP’s in Operation Be OK, for sure.
And shout out to my friends. I have some AMAZING, gorgeous friends and I love them all. Old friends who have stood by me, despite me not being the greatest friend to them whilst I’ve been married. And new friends who have got me through some dark days recently. Never underestimate the power of a girl gang you guys.
But enough of the soppy stuff now, I’m going to wrap this up and blog about proper stuff soon. I just wanted to break the ice really and gently dip back into the blogging world rather than going for a full on 30 ft dive straight off the bat.
Tune in for rants about Tories, updates on speech and language delays and and my annual Christmas struggle coming soon!
Yep. My boy said mummy. Today he just decided was the day and he said ‘hello mummy’ and then he kept saying mummy alllllll day. And it was beautiful.
He’s 3 years 1 month and 24 days old. I’ve waited a loooong time to hear the word ‘mummy’ come out of his gorgeous chubby little mouth. It was worth the wait.
When I first found out for sure that Omar had a speech delay I blogged about how worried I was that he wasn’t talking and how desperate I was to have little chats with him. It’s hard to convey to people how much a ‘speech delay’ affects almost everything. It doesn’t sound serious but in reality it is. It’s not just that Omar is a late talker, his understanding is delayed too. There have been times that I’ve despaired that he would never talk, never understand, never say mummy. And while he’s still very delayed I can see that he has made progress and he’s trying and that’s all I ask of him.
I will confess something I’m not proud of – I’ve been scared that Zaki would say mummy before Omar. I’ve been hoping it wouldn’t happen. I can’t lie, it would hurt to see his younger brother by 2 years ‘overtake’ him. But now Omar has said it I can happily work on Zaki saying it too.
There have been some really dark days over the past 12 months as I’ve come to terms with Omar’s problems but today has been a great day. Whatever happens, however much he talks or doesn’t talk, he’s my gorgeous, beautiful, happy boy and I wouldn’t change him for all the world.
To any other parents going through the struggle of having a speech delayed child I promise you this – it does get better.
I want to start by saying that I was all set to buy some Wingz before I was given the opportunity to review them. They’re exactly what I need and here’s why: I hate my upper arms. I really hate them. Over the years my weight has fluctuated so much that I’ve been left with bingo wings that no amount of weight lifting or toning will shift. I’m so self conscious about my upper arms that I would never ever wear a sleeveless top or dress, not even on holiday.
Wingz sleeves cover your arms without you having to wear an extra layer, which is perfect for me because as much as I hate my upper arms I also hate being hot and bothered with too many layers of clothing on. Wingz cover your arms but nothing else. A narrow band of material keeps them in place, which sits just where your bra does underneath your boobs.
So I was excited to take the white Wingz I received away to Mallorca with me to team with some pretty sleeveless dresses I’d bought. But my outfits didn’t go to plan. The reason being, my mum got in on the act!
My mum is really fair and despite lathering on the sun cream she got burnt on the first day. That evening she was so sore she couldn’t bear for anymore sun to hit her shoulders and furthermore she couldn’t bear to wear her kimono or cardigan because the material felt too rough on her lobster red skin. I offered to lend her the Wingz, which are made from a soft cotton material, and she jumped at the chance. I must admit, they did look good with her outfit and she was really happy with them.
For the next two days my poor old mum’s sunburn was still really painful and she stayed out of the sun completely with the help of my Wingz. I didn’t complain though, she was helping with the kids, the last thing I needed was her out of action with sunstroke.
On day 5 of the holiday her sunburn finally settled down. Great, I could give the Wingz a wash and wear them with one of my pretty dresses. Nope. Mother Dearest was now peeling and wanted to keep wearing the Wingz to cover up the unsightly mess. Basically, she’d claimed the Wingz and they were now hers.
So whilst I didn’t get to wear the Wingz on holiday I can report the following:
they will stop your shoulders from burning to a crisp
they’re so comfortable you don’t even know you’re wearing them (direct quote from the mother)
they can cover a multitude of sins – from tattoos to peeling flaky skin
you might want to buy two sets in case your mum nicks one
The hardest days often start out normal. Even good. I was up early today, way before the kids. I had a coffee in peace, I vacuumed the living room. I got dressed and slapped on my make up ready to face the day. I felt good.
The boys woke up and had breakfast, played for a bit and then I washed and dressed them and we left the house. We walked in the warm, comforting sunshine with our holiday tans looking lovely against our summer clothes.
As we approached Omar’s pre school he started to quietly say ‘no no no’. As it dawned on him that he was definitely going inside the no’s became louder until they were full on screams. Then he threw himself on the floor and wouldn’t move as tears streamed down his face. The other mums who had already dropped their little darlings off were having to step over him as he blocked the gate with his tantrum. They gave me the look. You know the one. Half pity, half she-can’t-cope-with-her-brat-of-a-child.
Omar doesn’t usually do this when I drop him off at pre school and he’s never tantrummed this badly before. He loves pre school, he usually skips straight in. Maybe it’s because we’d just spent an entire week together in the sunshine doing fun things, or maybe he just didn’t fancy pre school today, who knows. I don’t know because he can’t tell me. Because he can’t talk.
Anyway, with the help of his key worker I got him through the door. He was clinging onto me. I’d been carrying him on my hip and I totally let go but he clung on for dear life. His key worker prized him off me and assured me I could go and he would be ok. That she would call me in half an hour to let me know he was ok. I didn’t really want to go but I had to. I had his portage worker coming to the house at 9.30 to hand over a report on him following a 3 week assessment she had done.
So the day had turned a bit shitty but it was salvageable. Omar would settle down and he’d have a good day. He loved pre school and he’d be ok after a few minutes. It was ok.
The portage worker arrived and handed me the assessment folder and her report. 18-24 months. That’s the only bit I saw. My boy, my 3 year old boy has the language skills of a child half his age. My heart broke. Again. It wasn’t a total surprise to me, his speech therapist had told us he is operating around a year behind his actual age. But it’s never any easier to be told again. My heart doesn’t ache any less each time.
As I was trying to read through the report, holding back tears, my phone rang. The pre school. Omar hadn’t settled, he was still screaming. I could hear him in the background. He’d bitten his lip during his tantrum and it was bleeding. I told them I’d be there as soon as I could and rushed through the questionnaire the portage worker needed me to fill in. I was about to leave to collect distraught Omar when I got another call. He was ok now, he’d calmed down. Leave him there.
Well that was something at least.
I sat down again with the portage assessment to read it properly. All I could see were the things he couldn’t do. Things that most 2 year olds can do. Things like ask for a drink, tell me what he’d like to eat, ask to use the potty, make the sounds for different animals. Things that would make his life (and mine) so much easier.
Some days I focus on the positives. I try to do that most days. He is happy, he is physically healthy, he is safe, secure and loved. And he knows it. It’s much easier to get through the day when I focus on the positives.
But today, as I was handed in black and white a list of things my child is severely delayed with and unable to do, was not one of those days.
Today I was overwhelmed with feelings of helplessness because I can’t fix this; sadness because I can’t bear the fact that he will struggle in life and fear because I don’t know what his future holds.
Although I might be speaking too soon I think this holiday is going quite well. It’s exceeding my expectations anyway, although admittedly, my expectations were that the whole week would be a stressful nightmare. Happily, that is not the case!
I’m in Mallorca with Omar (3), Zaki (11 months) and my mum (she doesn’t want you knowing her age, sorry). We opted for a 4* all inclusive package holiday. I know, I know. It’s a soulless choice and I’m a slave to the capitalist machine. Really sorry for not chucking both my kids in a sling and backpacking around the Far East but quite frankly after the hellish last 12 months I’ve had I needed an easy option and this holiday, so far, has been pretty easy.
We’re staying in an apartment, so we have facilities to make Zaki’s bottles and a cuppa when we need one, but I don’t have to cook because we’re all inclusive, win! The restaurant is a buffet style one so I can always find something the kids will eat and there’s loads and loads of fruit for dessert, so I don’t feel too bad when they turn their nose up at all the veg I heap onto their plates and have chips.
We’ve spent most of our days around the pool and both boys LOVE it in the kid
paddling pool. Obviously I have to supervise them in there but it’s no hardship. I actually like being in there, it stops me from melting from the heat.
I bought Zaki a baby swim support seat and I’d definitely recommend one, it was about €8 and would be worth every cent if it was triple that.
Omar loves wearing a swimming ring and arm bands for some reason (weird kid) but he doesn’t actually need them in the little pool, I don’t think there’s much cope for drowning in a metre of water.
We went to the beach for a day but to be honest, I can’t stand getting sand everywhere and Omar wasn’t keen on the sea, so as lovely as it was, I don’t think we’ll go back.
There are lots of potential days out we could have; Alcudia Old Town and Porta Pollensa look beautiful, but this holiday is all about the kids and they just wouldn’t appreciate a day of walking around looking at ruins or eating in upmarket fish restaurants at the marina, so pool days work just fine for us.
In the evening we sometimes go for a walk after dinner or have a coffee in the hotel bar but often it’s just bath and bed for the kids and then me and mum read or watch a bit of TV before we go to sleep. There is hotel entertainment on each night but Omar and Zaki are always too tired to stay awake for the cheesy tribute acts and magicians, which is no skin off my nose.
Overall I think we’re all having a great time, just being in the sunshine makes people feel better, don’t you think? If you’re considering going abroad for a sunny holiday with young kids, do it! It’s not as difficult or stressful as you might think, the kids will love it and if nothing else, at least you get to feel the sun on your skin and a break from the washing up. Win.
If you’ve been on a successful package holiday to somewhere sunny please let me know where in the comments. I’m already thinking about where we’ll go next year. I quite fancy Turkey.
‘Two. He’s only two.’ Was my reply to the mother who loudly asked ‘how old is he?!’ with disbelief in her voice when I told her that I didn’t need the toilet cubicle thank you, because I was waiting to change my child’s nappy on the changing table.
It’s wasn’t a lie, he was two. But he was a week off his 3rd birthday. I omitted that information when the mother exclaimed that he was extremely tall for his age. (He is tall for his age anyway, as it goes. He wears 4-5 year clothes, mostly.)
So anyway. My son has just turned 3 but in terms of some aspects of development he is more like 2. The main delay is with speech and language; he’s not yet talking and he doesn’t understand as much as he should. And so he’s not yet toilet trained because we just can’t communicate with each other enough for him to grasp the concept. I’ve tried 3 times but he just isn’t ready.
I’ve gotten over the grief of finding out my boy has learning disabilities and now I plough my energy into trying to help him and encourage him wherever I can. So it really pisses me off that I still cringe when strangers ask me how old he is. I shouldn’t care. I should just give them the honest answer without feeling the need to justify his behaviour/silence/nappy to them. But I don’t. I don’t want them to judge him as a child or me as a mother.
The difficulty is, if I say ‘oh he’s just turned 3 but has learning disabilities so is actually more like just turned 2’ the poor strangers don’t know where to put themselves. And if I just tell them his age with no explanation of his delays they assume he’s a brat and I’m a rubbish mother. It’s a tough one.
Now he is actually 3 I know I’m going to find it even harder. When he was 2 (or ‘only 2′ as I always found myself saying) there were some 2 year olds that were at the same stage as him developmentally. Albeit they had just turned 2 and he was almost 3. But 2’s 2. Now he’s 3 people expect so much more from him.
At the doctors surgery yesterday I was struggling to keep him sat next to me, gripping onto him for dear life if I’m honest. Two old ladies told me to just let him have a wander. ‘Oh I can’t’, I told them. ‘He’d be out of those doors and into the carpark.’ They looked at him. ‘You won’t will you? Tell mummy you’re a big boy and you’ll be good.’ They meant well but they had no idea. If I’d have been able to tell them he was ‘only 2′ their expectations would have lowered instantly.
My son’s age really doesn’t matter. If I tell people he’s 2 they won’t question his behaviour and abilities, although they’ll probably have him pegged as a giant. They’ll tell me he’s going through the ‘terrible two’s’ with a sympathetic look on their faces and assure me that he’ll grow out of it soon. But I refuse to lie. His age in terms of the how many years it’s been since he was born means nothing to him, or to me really. I’m more concerned with the age his brain is operating at.
He’s 3. My boy is 3. And it ain’t nuthin’ but a number.
… I sincerely hope you had a dope beat to step to. (If you don’t get it, never mind.)
Hello! I’ve been gone for too long, I know. I lost the will to blog to be honest. Lots has happened and I’ve been busy and stressed and feeling like I should be doing more productive things with my time rather than writing my self-indulgent little blog. But I do love my self indulgent little blog, so here’s a quick update on my life:
What I’ve Been Doing
DIY! Of sorts. I finally finished Zaki’s bedroom and I love it! I’m pretty proud because I did it all myself, from the painting to hanging the wallpaper, to putting up the shelves. No doubt I’ll go off it within a year but for now it’s my fave room in the house.
What I’ve Been Buying
Too much stuff for my kids, that’s what! We go on holiday to Spain next month and my kids have about 6 outfits for each day we’re there. I, however, will be wearing the same ASOS dress I bought in 2014 day in, day out if I don’t get my act together soon. Always the way. Anyway, one of the best things I’ve bought is this t shirt for Omar. I love it!
What I’ve been watching
Peaky Blinders, Peaky Blinders, Peaky Blinders. I am OBSESSED.
I am totally obsessed. In true me fashion. And that means I now know all there is to know about Cillian Murphy, who is just so bloody beautiful. Heart eyes for days I tell you! Anyway, I came late to the party and recently discovered Peaky Blinders on NetFlix. It was so bingeable it didn’t take me long to catch up and I watched the season 3 finale on Thursday night with every other sane person in Britain. Ahhh Thomas Shelby, how I love thee.
If you haven’t seen Peaky Blinders you NEED to. I’m serious, stop what you’re doing and go and watch it right now. I never watch stuff people enthusiastically tell me I need to watch (probably part of my insulant nature) but don’t be like me. This is the best thing I’ve seen in years, you’ll love it!
He turned 3! My boy is 3 whole years old. I can’t get my head around it. We didn’t have a party this year because quite frankly he didn’t really get involved at his last two so I avoided the stress. I had planned on having a mini tea party but illness struck our house and it had to be postponed. I will still do that for him but with no pressure on him to play party games that he has no desire to play. We had some lovely days out to celebrate anyway. We went to a huge farm and Omar loved the outdoor play areas but the cows made him boke. To be fair, they did whiff a bit haha.
He is still progressing with his words and communication, just very slowly. He says about 30-40 words now but still not mama! When will he say mama?! I really can’t wait for that day.
Zaki is still doing well but he’s had a sickness bug that stuck around for ages and caused him to lose 4lbs so I’m trying to fatten him up again now. He has a cardiac check up tomorrow, keeping everything crossed that his echo scan shows all is ok. Zaki will be 1 next month, which is ridiculous quite frankly! He was only born 5 minutes ago. He cruises the furniture really well now and can manoeuvre himself off the sofa. He’s desperate to be able to walk and chase after Omar but his little legs aren’t quite strong enough yet.
So that’s about it really. Or more accurately that’s all I really want to share on my blog. Sorry if you’ve found this post a bit dull, I felt I needed to kind of catch the regular readers up (if there even are any!) and thought this would be a quick way of doing that.